A Piece For Assorted Lunatics

2:57pm: why did the dinasaurs die? because you touch yourself at night.
what google says lily needs =


Lily needs a new home

Lily needs a little more warmth

Lily needs to go through a rest period

Lily needs a lot of moisture

Lily needs to know why

Lily needs to just tell everyone the truth and move on with life so all will be happy

Lily needs a BIG smooch on top of her beautiful patient tinsel

Lily needs to be more professional if she is intending to be taken seriously as a singer

Lily needs to understand her behavior is dangerous to her health

Lily needs a husband who can settle several large debts she has accumulated

Lily needs to be permanently committed to an institution

Lily needs her father to change her smart-mouth attitude

Lily needs to be heard--

Lily needs too much.


My thoughts exactly. I played in the snow at 4am today, twas pretty. I hafta clean my whole house cause imade it a mess.
i'm excited to see cwot tonight, and i really have nothing else to say at the moment.
Love, Lily

12:08am: today i am remembering the time when they pulled me back and held me down

and looked me in the eyes and said,

"you just haven't earned it yet, baby."



I hope they rot,
and I hope they're happy, and i hope i die on the island, and i pray this night ends.


and for the rest of you fuckers obliterating any chance of my peace and sanity with your juvenile actions, choke on my dust assholes.
Love, Lily

11:31am: la calavera catrina..
Being both polars simultaneously, I realize how fucked up i sometimes am. I believe knowing this is the unhappy part in my disarranged brain.. the happy side? Knowing relief. Relief that relies SOULY on artificial hope that I must carry. My hope is placed in my potential to change-- evolve, into a cleaner version of Me. Hope that though many people have come in and out of my life, and in the past months there have been scares of losing loved ones-- they will at one point or another return to me, and that I will meet new people (do not wrap myself up in the idea that they will one day, leave as well).
From the bottom of my right hand's pinky finger to the top of my wrist, is a stretched-out mark.. a reminder of one of my multitude of mistakes. I know it will get better, because that is what they tell me. I have to believe this, but there are human moments when I forget, feeding my childish temptation and itching, picking the thing that had not too long ago, caused intense pain. A pick, a piece of defunct floats to the ground. The result: a deeper, new cut. One no longer to be blaimed on nature, just on my lack of willpower not to curl into bad habits. Another result: elongation of its healing time, and possibly a more gruesome scar.

And i look at this hand; and it's only when infection hits that I realize my disease.
So why am I writing this?
Because my life is oozing and pussing, pleading NOT to be meddled with any longer. I am writing this because secretly, I am completly mortified of not itching, picking at my life. Summer is ending, I turned 17. in dire need of growing up and letting those adult calluses form.
I promise to let myself heal, to stop overanalyzing EVERYTHING so selfishly-
to keep things simple, to love unconditionally, to sleep normally, to always have good intentions, to stop being lazy when it comes to things I love and need, and to continue choosing my backyard deck over television.
Yea, summer's ending, its time to burry these ridiculous skeletons i keep doodling. Take them outta the closet, the paper, the mind; expose them right out of myself so I am real and alive and honest everything BUT skeletal.

This wasn't scribbled for anyone really but me. I'll miss summer.
Love, Lily

12:29pm: I think i'm getting sick, which is really sad. I can't see the wooden floor in my room, which is also really sad. I think today is just meant for NOT leaving my deck, studying, and later i will reward this with baking cookies for my mama. I know this is probably how shit won't go down.. my motivation will be gone in about 10 minutes andbefore i know it cwot will be here with me on this deck. because.. well, that's summer and i am Jack's never-changing laziness.
My birthday was nice; I ended up in Woodstock, which i had never been to before. I listened to reggae bands and saw a woman with a beard, and went to this candle store where i proceeded to orgasm four billion times, though i couldn't afford a candle =( but i was cheered up by alota phone calls from all the loves of my life. thank you!

Well, cwot just called right on schedule and now i must go be Jack's inevitable. I will update soon about all the crazies in my life, because it's pretty fucked up entertaining shit that SHOULD be shared with the public, if i do say so myself.

BYE!

9:06pm: dead
I feel like death and I don't know why. These chords scream that I do brass replaces tedons and every pressed key tightens muscles causing shudders down my chest. I feel like what surrounds me, putrid inspiring something greater.. nothing, empty GONE and it's all I want and all I fear Feel; I feel the things that surround me.
She told me these redundant keys are what she writes to wrote to and the smoke doesn't rise so high above the fire that incited its grey.
He mentioned love, accompanied by death. Paradox fucking IRONY as the red-cheeked girl lost her face to a married man and the trunk of destiny on one considerably heated winter day...
Mom promised me I'd become what I hate. Then I must be infatuated with the opposite of what I' used to believe the opposite of LIFE 3 feet down waiting for at least another 2 I've fallen into what surrounds me. Jumped into the casket and inhaled the blade I must have kissed insane and met Mary one last time.
I do know why I feel like death.. Misery really does love company. Only ashes remain in this miserable fucking house.


Lily

9:47am: funny how shit settles...
It's 6:45 and this holy child sits, reading bits of his Bible as his previous cerainty now seems unreliable but he was told to keep (at least) his smile while he drags weak feet down that mile of church aisles towards some sorta survival..
his name now spoken- echoed in distant corridors by demons buried in dirty floors persuadin him to play the game that ends in either Death's unlucky name or in Life's golden token; For awhile avoids the lame game that has become a chore on his brain. Finally presses "start" he's on his way, got the nerve to play what was 50 years delayed until July 19th, today.
Under the knife, the fork, the metal; spooned in a blanket of blue body drugged and settled hooked on machines that whistle like steam shoots from a kettle count down from twenty, it's time to grab the ladle, sip the soup from inevitability's cauldron, embrace the baby in serendipity's cradle- Doctor, you're capable. You're strong you're MORE than these cells you are soul.

All that's left is the wait. a weight heavier than muggy eyes sedated; greater than karma now hated. The wait to determine the fate of a guy with his ass hanging out of a white paper robe.


found that on scrap paper in the trunk of my car, where i had definaty been delirious, and passed out in the crazy heat last tuesday.
im gonna update more. Lovelove looooooove, Lily

9:43pm: "The Summer of Getting Sane, Learning Trig, and being FAMILY ORIENTED"




official name... damn.

12:54am: Today, three references to Live Journal were made at three different times. Either my friends are complete computer whores.. or it was a calling to update. My closest friends keep coming and leaving, which really. really sucks. Why can't you guys just sit still and become my entertainment as I'm stuck at home the entire summer due to familyness dramaness? For those of you who have stuck around, and made my days extremly funny and ironic, I love you.. weird , completly f'd up bastards.

Man, though.. I keep having this thought of how much i miss the friend who made me swear to dedicate my summer to them. Turns out it wasn't me who backed out of this promise of trillions of hours playing Tony Hawk and ping pong and sneaking around and inciting trouble. forgetting to bake the cookie dough.. ghetto mac and cheese special recipe. the best kind of friend is just that; where you remember the little shit, regardless of the huge things that happened when you were together. You remember the little names, and the food, and the messes, and the talks.

I was just politiking to a friend about that. I have been telling myself for months that my friend would come back. Not even telling myself to cover up what i knew deep inside. My entire body actually LIED to me, for the sake of my emotions. The epiphany that i might never see this person again is just insane, and completly surreal. I'm like Dostoevky's fucking idiot, and now that i have had such a realization i'm not exactly sure how to cope. Because it's larger than one single summer, or my selfish hours wondering WHY i can't be with them, why all our plans have been flushed down the shitter.. it's a fucking lifetime, with the exception of a few letters- or maybe random meetings where i see someone - by that time - that i don't even know anymore.

Damn, i'm pretty morbid. Well i spend my days in happy summer mode; a combination of shitty food and even shittier music muahahahahahah
.....

=)

Well, i'm done for the night. eat shitloads of ice cream and be heppy. BYE!

1:20am: Kasanete hora, Hohoemu kara
My partner, my teacher, my love, my soul, just left me. It is 1:21AM and things could have ended up worse; worse then this empty room and broken coat hanger. Worse then this Arthur music and my woozyness. Worse then goodbyes, i suppose. All I know is that my afternoons will never taste as sweet, and that music will never feel as smokey. All I know is that I love you, and this place is empty without you and i think you know that just surviving is a struggle, because you are not here. You like my scribbles- you took a shitty one. and I like you.

This is too hard, and my mind melts as entropatic waves fill this pink room and NOTHING is beautiful and nothing is real and I am gone; more than my brain but my spirits and I dunno how it will be retrieved until I see you again.
Why is everyone leaving me? Why must I be left?
Jesus, I miss so many and SO much. Please summer, come soon. Please.

So much love,
Lily

Coz it ain't easier
Waking up at Dawn
to find I lost my crown
If i found you there
with flowers in your hair.

6:04pm: It is sunday; this weekend went by very quickly. I am now doing nothing, cause Em's on her way home so i'm just waiting for her. Lemme reflect on some questions that have been floating through this lily head. actually no, i'll type just one pertaining to this journal which is- where the hell did my last entry go? lame.

i currently have a whole crave case of white castle in my freezer, though i don't know where the actual case went or how all those burgers got stuffed there. But i really don't care, don't question gifts from god i suppose =)

eminy arrived and i have more to say so i will update later if this thing actually posts my entries.
love you all, Lily

8:45pm: "You should see it all."
Today the school made me go home early because I had a fever. I was mad; my day was going to be easy and I didn't feel perfect- but I certainly didn't feel feverish. I waited for my mom and watched the nurse flip through her flowering magezine, and had a good conversation with the assistant nurse about summer attire. i went home and slept, alot.

Then, i had some good conversations with good people. I've been having alota those lately, and it's making me really heppy. I think the more i learn about certain people, the more i appreciate, everything.

I realize, if someone read this online journal, they might think I am a very distrusting asshole. I mean, I spend enough time criticizing people and ranting how they are absolutely rediculous. So i will stop doing that, but not before I get this one thought out on imaginary internet paper. I HATE when people are ambiguous with their motives. I am absolutely stunned at how insincere people have the ability of being- but not even that; how they themselves don't even see their selfish actions. I am guilty of this- I am not accusing everyone else and calling myself a saint. But just wanted to point that out- because if you process this and it strikes you that you may have done this to anyone lately, try and take notice. Because kids, there is nothing as horrible as being a flake. Well, being ugly is pretty bad, too. cause then you just offend me.

=)

I definatly have more to write about. Because there is always more complaining to do.
But as of now, I have to go fight crime and clean my room. I will try to update something extremly interesting very soon, like with sex crimes and crack.

Love, Lily

8:09pm: I'm a negative creep
Break is basically over. I'm burning time until Arrested Development comes on. My vision is swirling and my head kills. Every beat of the music playing makes each nerve in my brain throbb. But with this headache is a strong sense of comfort, as I lounge in my chair and look at my pictures and smell zebra candles and the scent my sister left. My t-shirt is bright yellow and has a chocolate stain on it, making me look as elementary as i feel right now. Everything that would usually be nominal is intensified right now, and I can't seem to concentrate because every detail of every piece of my dimly-lit room is popping out at me, just asking for me to zone out and waste more time.

One day during break I spent basically the entire day alone. I hopped a train to the city and walked to MoMA. The walk alone was completly satisfying. It was drizzling in a humid, hazy sort of way; and I walked and listened to my headphones and watched the mysterious people of NYC with their crazy ways. I spent the day stunned. I know very little about art- what i do know is credited to random interests and my dad. I got to take my time looking at each and every piece, but i didn't get to see everything cause i took so long. It was the first time in a really long time that my head felt cleared, and the worried feeling in my stomach left. I stopped thinking about all the problems at hand. You'd probably say, "Lily. that feeling is also known as running away." I was thinking about this, and I realized out of all the things I have done lately, this is the farthest thing from my running away. I've been so quick to escape everything lately. I flee from my duties at school- the time i owe my friends, the problems i should just resolve instead of placing neatly in the dark back of my mind. I have ignored the things that should be my priorities, and instead focused on the things that I am certain will constantly bring me quick-lived pleasure.

I am always analyzing other people; Trying to understand their faults and find the underlying causes of their "unhappiness". I've been trying to make sense of why people are such assholes, when maybe that's just all there is to it. I have focused on justifying their bullshit, but now I am training myself to not have this trust in everyone- to give the people I love this image of perfection. fuck, i even give people who are obviously screwing me over the benefit of the doubt. I wish i could go on with my belief that all will work out and that people are worthwhile, but it isn't reality. What a depressing entry this ramble has turned into.
I needed badly to vent, and typing feels easiest at the moment. I hope everyone had an amazing break with revelations not quite as negative as mine. fuck. arrested development ended last week.

Love, Lily

8:47am: It is so. so early. Why am I up? I couldn't sleep mosta the night. I'm not really sure why; guess I just have alot on my mind. Break so far has been good, it's surprising that i've been pretty busy when no one is really home. I miss alota people- it's been hard functioning without Bri cause I usually talk to her or see her like 5 times a day. I'm in Bribriiii withdrawel.

Today is an extremly special day, for a number of reasons. The most important being- it is my love Chax's birthday. I love you darrrrling and i will see you later !! This day is important for other reasons. CELEBRATION, bitches.

I watched an extremly scary movie last night.. Event Horizon. It had alota cheesy stuff in it, but there were a couple scenes that i just jfklsjfklfsdjfds and had to hide under stuffed animals. It was actually quite embaressing. So if you wanna piss yourself, see it. there are other more exciting tidbits of my vacation, but that movie was evil and i just can't think of anything else.

I have alot to scribble but I'm just not in the mood and my circle chair is-as usual- looking very attractive. I will write later.

Love, Lily

4:41pm: i need something
Today hasn't been what I expected it to be, though it started out nice. It was supposed to be relaxed and fun, which some of it was- considering my state. There were just strange moments in the day, that made me angry and sad all at once; i am exhausted. My way of dealing was acting really anxious and talkative-- like during lunch. so i apologize, i wasn't going insane (yet). Certain thoughts keep running through my head; how things have changed. how i'm so tired after being with certain people. Mostly how i feel as if I'm consistently getting fucked over. I thought it was just me being emo and selfish, but i think it has become apparent, and other people got the chance to see a tidbit today, too.

I've been putting up with way too much fakeness, and altogether insincerity. Some people may think i'm just talking about one person.. but it's everywhere i turn. When did people get this idea that I am disposable, and that because I laugh and joke alot means I take everything-including abuse- lightly? I have taken ALOT of shit from alot of people, and i have gulped down what needs to be said, and made up with people- and accepted unfair apologies. I am not going to say "well no more! fuck everyone!" or anything like that, cause I know i have my own faults, and that i gotta accept the way people are. I just wanted to say that, cause I am so tired. i wish there was a solution.

By the end of the day, i was completly out of it. I dunno what came over me. Walking from my last class I just started choking and coughing. I couldn't breath; i would suck down a little air, but then the cycle would start over again. Afterward I felt so dizzy and tired. It was so scary, not breathing. I gotta get work done, then go make some money.

Love, Lily

3:10am: i am currently waiting for my love bri, and procrastinating on taking a shower. so i thought i'd scribble in this a lil. this week has been long and hectic, and i am so thrilled that it is over. i should prolly just sleep the rest of the day, which may happen regardless of who wonders into my house. My voice is frusterating me sosoo much. me being someone that is always loudest and talkative, lacking the ability to communicate without people laughing has been horrible. Not only that, they wouldn't let me give blood. Well no, they strongly suggested that i didn't cause i'm all weak and unhealthy. i hate being like this =( By the end of the day i was so drained, but luckily Brando came to the conclusion that I am just transforming into Towlie. The average teenage girl would be horrified by this, but i think it's pretty kickass.
So kids, watch out.

I have more to say, but my circle chair is looking so sexy. a roooot tute babiies

love, Lily

edit: and the time on this is all fucked up. fuck livejournal.

5:59pm: the endless enigma
It is sunday evening, even though it is still light out. I have roughly 100 pages to do in my apamer textbook, which of course i thought i'd do all friday night; but something came up. I like this little thing to type in- no matter how ridiculous it is. It gives me an excuse not to be looking at my 10 lb AMERICAN JOURNEY bullshit book.

As everyone knows, John Paul II died yesterday at 9:37- their time. Many people i have talked to about it have not only disregarded it, but have derided such a loss. If you were one of those people, I want to say fuck you, even if you know i love you. One of the most prominent and holy historical figures of our time has left us, and if you can't respect that- then i have nothing to say to you; so from now on, please refrain on the pope jokes just because you know i am mourning. RIP a great man, regardless of any religion or values.

Now that i have said that -which i felt needed to be said- i want to say how much i love my family. and my friends. For awhile now i've been extremly selfish and absorbed in my own sillyness, but when today brought new-found hurt, my family-my brother- helped me snap back in to reality. He took the time to not only console me, but just to talk with me and help me sort shit out that has just been piling in my cloudy head. I actually feel a lifted burden, and i think alot of people don't take the time to see what they have right in front of them.

There are a couple things on my mind still confusing me- nothing that can be easily resolved through family or friends. I just hope my sight will stop being blurry, and that i'll get true perspective back. This year i have been bent and twisted in many different directions, but i suppose that's what makes me, me. I just used to be more confident in what i believed, and in the values i used to openly reflect, but now i'm not so sure. All i know is, I love boobies. I just have to have them, real or fake. Silicone or mamm glands. if there is one thing i put faith in, it is my love for BOOBIES.

This has been fun, i might start updating more. But right now, i have to do work and fight crime. and eat some ice cream.

love, Lily

6:36pm: BLAH. just blah blah blah blahhhhhhhhhhhhh

this week has been FANTABULOUS. honestly, i'm absolutely in love with it. i want to make love on it.
shit is new, but i'm not really willing to type it ever-so neatly over the internet, except the fact that i'm pregnant with my uncle's baby, OH MY MARY i just said that publicly. i'm half fish (father's side.. AWKWARD)- so once i lay 4,000 eggs i can go back to normal teenage life.

but yeah. i do have some problems, which is awesome. i LOVE drama..mmmmm. drama. i got some organ problems, which is cute. i also got family problems- like the money, soap opera- greedy people with pinky rings shit, which is fucking ADORABLE. and yada yada, hopefully things get sorted out. but friends are good. I've grown to love a couple of them, crazy bastards. But they've really helped me out recently- especially since i've bumped into some bad lately. So, i want to say thank you. i think you know who you are. and my fish comments only pertain to Bri, so don't tell me pills are good. i was making Bri laugh, aren't i fresh? i'm so fresh.

this weekend should not be interesting. i was sposta go see em, but i had to cancel because harrison is SUCH a saint and i have roughly 200 pages of apamer. to make up. so, sorry eminy i love you =(
this has been fun, but my fishy looks bored. or maybe i'm just bored. and crazy. so i gotta go play with it, and drink tea like the civilized bitch i am.

Love, Lily

10:43am: Indeed, in our country, and in all classes, there are, and always will be, strange easy-going people whose destiny it is to remain always beggars. They are poor devils all their lives; quite broken down, they remain under the domination or guardianship of some one, generally a prodigal, or a man who has suddenly made his fortune. All initiative is for them an insupportable burden. They only exist on condition of undertaking nothing for themselves, and by serving, always living under the will of another. They are destined to act by and through others. Under no circumstances, even of the most unexpected kind, can they get rich; they are always beggars. I have met these persons in all classes of society, in all coteries, in all associations, including the literary world.
-Dostoevsky- The House of the Dead-

it's pretty early, but i had to wake up early.


-Lily

4:38pm: IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT
Alright- this very much needs to be said. I told a couple people today, but i think a PUBLIC announcement is appropriate.

I have officialy become disgustingly, horiffically, fucking emo. I've spent the past week or so being completly self-absorbed, sad, and hurt- to the point of physical nausea and tiredness. Well, i am pleased to announce it is OVER, and i am back. I've only let myself get this incredably emo over one or two other things, and even those times felt more excusable then now. I refuse to waste my time in these ruts and moods, so i am coming out of emo-candle-darkness and returning to my old lily self.

I apologize to anyone who experienced this blob of emo, because if you were near me- chances are i spread it with constant bitching and a side of *tear*. I am pleased to inform you that the girl who once took NOTHING seriously and got the most pleasure outa making a fool of herself- is back.

No, it aint the drugs. I think Rainbow Fury is taking a lil break and optimism has replaced it. or wait.. maybe it is the drugs. Either way... i am very heppy and i guess the only way to express it is
AMERICA.Fuck Yeah.

So kids, if you get nothing else from this long rambly entry, i hope you learn that being emo is NEVER the solution to your problems; so open the blinds, clean the black off your weary tormented soul, and eat some ice cream.

love<3<3<3 Li Li

9:15pm: i am so absolutely stunned and crushed by everything that has happened to me today. funny how easily people can fuck you over, both strangers and friends. funny how confused i am about every single thing in my life. funny how i don't know if things will ever go back to normal with my parents; i've messed up i guess.
the only thing left to do is watch everything subside, and hopefully learn to just stop thinking. if i can stop doing what i have been doing, maybe nothing will ever phase me again; and if nothing ever touches me again, maybe this feeling in my stomach will leave me and i will become what everyone is telling me to become, and to act the way one without manic, over-thinking, over-caring emotions should act.

regardless of how great this weekend was-thanks to good friends and drag queens- i feel completly drained. it is amazing how the human being is able to emotionally heal over time, too bad it takes so fucking long. im gonna call cwot and then sleep and sleep considering i got 3 hours last night/morning.
sorry to vent kids. actually no im not. its my fucking blog.

edit: i now know why i've felt sick all day as well. ive been drinking water with a lil clorox in it thanks to the insane mother. mmmmm

"i'm sure you needed the clean-out lily"-love, dad.

8:11pm: I am writing because of bri's request, but also because i am procrastinating writing morena's paper about bugs and bums. This day has gone from very good to extremly bad. It's almost funny how quickly things can deteriorate. You spend your entire life building relationships, ideals, whatever. And in a matter of a moment, or a word, or a FEELING, it can come crashing down. But so is life, right? I mean, I'm human- and everything is the same. the same as the ant who works to build a hill. the same as that bored man's foot that stomps it into pieces.
and everything is nothing, so i learned this past weekend.

I am not stressed about school. I have exceeded the point of frustration, and am now just tired. I am bored with it, and that lack of motivation leads to my poor grades; therefore i fail (in the eyes of my mortified parents and the rest of the world). I am bored with the people who constantly lead me and then kill me. I am bored with the music on the radio. I am bored with the pink walls surrounding me. Ultimately, I am bored with this scribbling- because who needs another glimmer of emo? I will give my promised pleasure, because Dostoevsky never bores me.

Gentlemen, we're all cruel, we're all monsters, we all make men weep, and mothers, and babes at the breast, but of all, let it be settled here, now, of all that I am the lowest reptile! I've sworn to amend, and every day I've done the same filthy things. I understand now that such men as I need a blow, a blow of destiny to catch them as with a noose, and bind them by a force from without. Never, never should I have risen of myself! but the thunderbolt has fallen. I accept the torture of accusation, and my public shame; I want to suffer and by suffering I shall be purified. Perhaps I shall be purified, gentlemen?

10:34pm: You can't deal with my infinite nature, can you?

8:01pm: I am updating this out of complete boredom.
my once pleasant weekend has suddenly halted, now that i got screwed over and am now stuck at home on a saturday night; people should learn to organize their plans, or at least communicate their agendas.

Note: I am NOT your bitch. I am nobody's bitch.
Except maybe winona ryder's. if i ever met her; because she is so damn sexy.


"For, after all, you do grow up, you do outgrow your ideals, which turn to dust and ashes, which are shattered into fragments; and if you have no other life, you just have to build one up out of these fragments. And all the time your soul is craving and longing for something else. And in vain does the dreamer rummage about in his old dreams, raking them over as though they were a heap of cinders, looking in these cinders for some spark, however tiny, to fan it into a flame so as to warm his chilled blood by it and revive in it all that he held so dear before, all that touched his heart, that made his blood course through his veins, that drew tears from his eyes, and that so splendidly deceived him!"
- White Nights

I'm going to try and post Dostoevsky more often, because his brilliance gives me goosebumps.
If I think of anything else to write, I'll let you know; Pce pce

9:28pm: today was so, cold.
was cold this morning, was cold taking tests, was cold bullshitting/schmoozing, and britt's house was pretty damn cold, too.
i'm not so bad now, i am bundled in my gramma sweater and a---catatonic--- daze. i feel burnt and immobile. it is highly unlikely that this ass is leaving this circle chair tonight.
this week so far has been filled with adventures, and overall ridiculousness. too bad school doesn't always require little body/brain movement and leaving early. it's just so funny.. everything. things just seem to be rolling like an episode of Curb your Enthusiasm; weird shit happening to weird people. Watching my surroundings, and especially lately my friends. how they act, how they respond to things. weird shit, weird people.
i've taken a break from giving people the benefit of the doubt, cause lately, they just don't deserve my faith in them. to see people in different shades, maybe even their true colors, is very amusing.
Horrible-tickling, and A&P amusing. Lots of nuts and drugs amusing... 11:11 amusing.

I have more to say; i always have more to say. But napping sounds more attractive.
jeez, i wish i could show my new pictures of our dirty baked goods.
'No wind. No stars. Night'

9:16pm: Surrealistic pillow
Like every other person right now, i am studying for midterms. Meaning, I have been sleeping all day, won't crack a book until 12, and after 20 minutes of studying and then failing my tests will get to say, "shit, all that time studying.."

anyway, this weekend was pretty much ruined by the 11 inches (Lalli-proof) of snow god shat on my house. but i made the best, slept a bunch, saw cwot, the love of my life, and tried that chicken terryaki sandwhich i vowed to sarah -9th period during a harrison's review- that i would get. and so i did. saturday night where no one was in mt kisco. frank and i had some bonding doing 360s in the streets and the like a glove trick. and that sandwhich was pretty damn sweet.

Emily left on friday, but she waited until i got outta school to leave. and we sat around with her boyfriend and relaxed for awhile. I miss her too much. It's funny though, the heater broke the night she left. I woke up saturday colder than usual and saw Cwot (who'd kept me company that night), went back to sleep. woke up much later, saw no one, went back to sleep.The house is still freezing, since Em left.
found this random song on my headphones called comin back to me.. i dunno where it came from, i like these lines though.

You came to stay and live my way Scatter my love like leaves in the wind You always say you won't go away
But I know what it always has been It always has been

A transparent dream
Beneath an occasional sigh
Most of the time
I just let it go by
Now I wish it hadn't begun

yeah, fuckin emo. whatever, any band from the 60's isn't drama to me. pretty much sums up these crummy months, this crummy year. but it's over. i'm finally over the shit, and i stand on honest ground.
way for me to be obscure, just a nice feeling to be emancipated from something i've been emotionally, and physically. chained to since 9th grade.. damn. long time. ready to move on, yes I am.

this is too long. goodnight, keep ya butthole tight.